February 2012
1 post
Heavy-Duty Computing
There is an IT problem at the DMV of such severity that the support guy has put on work gloves.
January 2012
12 posts
So I just quit my job…because I got a better one!
Excuse me, I need to go out and buy myself flowers and a really extravagantly fancy cup of coffee.
All right Internet, what is the proper collective noun for a group of lesbians? I am rejecting “gaggle” preemptively.
I’m going to be in Phoenix forever. I’m about two more hours of delay from popping open PadMapper and moving here.
US Airways Loves Me A Lot
Scheduled Departure Time - 5:50 pm
Actual Projected Departure Time - 9:19
Just spotted a person I only recognize from guilty pleasure blog reading at Safeway. He’s a real thing in the world!
Cheese, I really want us to be friends, but it would help me a whooooole lot if you’d stop punching me in the stomach from the inside all the time.
whaBAM
Sent application in this morning, got request for a phone interview this afternoon. How come this never happened when I was really totally unemployed?
oh my, work website,
I do not think you meant to give me this complete a picture of the client’s financial life. I really do not think you did.
I have discovered amazing fresh-squeezed orange juice within three blocks. Life may never be the same.
If the number of times I’ve dramatically injured myself in the last half hour is any indication, you should all probably maintain your distance.
December 2011
11 posts
Dealing with Bureaucrats
ARWB: left another message
of course he didn't answer
OF COURSE
Me: naturally
answering is not reginald's THING
you all just don't understand his STYLE
ARWB: yeah
and clearly responding to emails is beneath a man of Reginald's stature
Me: Reginald is very, very important and busy
and if you CARED enough, you would see that
ARWB: clearly
MAYBE he'll deign to answer in 2012, but really, who knows
Me: I mean, the apocalypse is coming
so probably he should just work on improving Reginald
rather than helping other people
ARWB: Reginald is too good for fingerprints, he really has no time for lowly creatures who still do
Me: Reginald was made in the Lord's image, so Reginald doesn't HAVE fingerprints
ARWB: instead he has tiny images of Jesus embossed on his fingertips
Me: in gold
ARWB: platinum, gold is for peasants
1 tag
just bought:
2 pounds butter
large bag sugar
probiotics
1 tag
breaking news
Chobani Greek yogurt can definitely, DEFINITELY go bad.
Dudes, if you ever make and distribute your resume...
Oh, you are KIDDING me. This client’s resume is an Excel document. Gag me with a spoon.
November 2011
37 posts
2 tags
2 tags
just stopped myself from using the expression...
[about a random acquaintance’s kid, no drama, no scandal.]
I was going past Gap Body this morning and they were having a 30% off sale, so I went in and got 30% off a bunch of underwear that was already priced at $5 and now I may never have to do laundry ever again.
Watching Tying the Knot, alternating between sentimental tearing up and frustrated muting of conservative bigots.
Also, when two grooms try to stomp on the glass at the same time at a Jewish wedding, it looks like there’s a fairly serious possibility that at least one of them is going to end up with broken bones.
Surreal moment of today: my high school classmate is a guard at Guantanamo Bay.
A female hipster on a bike just yelled “nice fake tits” at me. I guess that is code for “your new bras are fantastic”?
Now I really want to comment that maybe he should try not being a supercilious asshole, but it would go against my primary facebook commandment: thou shalt not contribute to public drama.
2 tags
“I told him that he could move Beyoncé if he wanted to, but he totally hasn’t....”
– And that’s why you should learn to pick your battles. — TheBloggess.com
SPOILERS: Beyonce is a giant metal chicken.
My new boss just announced that not only will they be handing out what is essentially a 10% pay cut per piece, but they will also be paying HALF as much as they used to for the part of my job that is the most time-consuming and annoying. So either that is a mistake or it is time for another very serious round of job hunting.
I giggle every time I include “water sports” on this client’s list of interests.
watching a similac commercial
Announcer: From the moment your baby's eyes open, her brain...
Me: IS DELICIOUS
Announcer, judgily: ...begins forming connections.
Me: BRAAAAAAINZZZZ!
Guys, he was totally the sidecar! 10 points to Walt.
1 tag
oh, you crack me up, Mr. OkCupid
“I’m not superficial, but I’m only romantically interested in dancers and athletes.”
Oh, well excuuuuuuse me. I thought that being superficial made you superficial, but I guess I’m wrong!
3 tags
“Hand me your hand, let me look in your eyes
As my last chance to feel human...”
– Best lyrics to put on your dating profile? I think so.
After taking the last sip from a glass of water:
Just remembered that the reason I hadn’t already finished this glass of water was because there was a gnat swimming in it last night.
Ah well. Protein.
“And I just need to thank the big muchacho upstairs for believing in me. You are...”
– Well Played, Jennifer Lopez - Go Fug Yourself: Because Fugly Is The New Pretty